Carol's Guide to Raising Children

" Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being."
-- Johann W. von Goethe

REMEMBER:

Children are just like adults but with a lot less experience.

Children learn more from how you act than from what you say.

A consistent bad policy is better than an inconsistent good one.

NEVER make a threat you are not willing to carry out.

RECOMMENDATIONS:

Read at least one good book about the stages of child development so you know what is normal behavior at any given age.

Your child is not a "mini-you". Don't expect them to like the same things you like, or have the same interests you do, or the same tastes as you. Your child is a COMPLETELY SEPARATE PERSON from you. They are not here to do all the things you wanted to do when you were growing up. They are not here to fulfill your dreams. They have dreams of their own.

"For the first six years you are teaching your child to care for itself, for the second six years you are establishing communications so that in the third six years they will come to you with their problems." [paraphrased from The Mothers' Almanac vol.2]

Respect your child's privacy. Don't open their mail. You wouldn't want them opening yours. Whether they can read or not isn't the point.
Knock when their door is closed, and wait until they answer it or say "come in" before you open it. Treat your child with the same respect and courtesy you expect from them. Children learn by example.

LISTEN to your child! Hear them out before you make comments. If a child learns when they are small that you always listen to them and take them seriously they are much more likely to come to you with their problems when they are teenagers.

Most young children do better if kept on a firm (but not rigid) schedule for nap times and bedtime. They behave better when they are well rested.
Established routines add stability to the child's world. They know what to expect and are more confident as a result.

READ TO YOUR CHILD! This is so important. Not only does it provide entertainment but it is something you are involved in together. And just because she learns how to read for herself don't think you should stop this exercise. Have her read to you. Take turns reading pages to each other. It is good practice for a beginning reader and affords common ground for discussions, especially when she is older. My daughter is now 18 and we have continued to read a book aloud together each summer. A lot of discussion goes into selecting the book and then sharing our thoughts and opinions about the story and characters between reading sessions. It's an easy way to build a lot of good quality time together.

Don't do anything for your children that they can do for themselves.

GOOD BEHAVIOR
Before taking your child to a new place, event, or whatever, explain what will happen there and specifically what kind of behavior you expect from them:

• When my daughter was two and a half I took her to a church wedding. Before we arrived I told her that when we were inside the church she was to whisper if she wanted to say something and she needed to sit still or stand still once the ceremony started. If she just couldn't stay still she was to tell me so I could take her outside to jump up & down. I also had her do some jumping before we entered to burn off extra energy.
• Before doctor appointments we always talked over what things the doctor was likely to do, looking into her throat and ears and taking her temperature and stuff. If she might get a shot we talked about it and how it would hurt but not for very long. Don't let the nurse tell your kid the shot won't hurt. [One said it to my daughter!] Immediately correct that and say it will hurt but not for very long.
• Same thing for dentist visits.

As a result in public she was always a very well behaved child for her age.

HONESTY
Always, always, always be honest with your child. Don't whitewash the truth. If a child is old enough to form the question he is old enough to be given a straight answer. Better the truth about something unpleasant than to be kept in the dark. Imaginations always make things worse than they really are. Child or adult, the thing we fear most is the unknown.

If you don't know the answer to your child's question, say so. You will be much more credible when you do know the answer. Establish your credibility with your child when she is young and you won't have to worry about it when she is older.
Your child will have more respect for you for admitting you don't know something. The same goes for admitting when you are wrong (especially if your child was right!) AND you will be teaching them that every one makes mistakes from time to time, not just them. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them and don't continue to make the same ones.

Above I said "A consistent bad policy is better than an inconsistent good one" which goes hand in hand with "Never make a threat you aren't willing to carry out" Let me give you an example: When my daughter was young and I should have been training her to clean up her room on a regular basis I didn't. Why? I knew I would not keep after her to do it. I felt if I told her something had to be done regularly, and then didn't follow through with reminders and appropriate punishment if it wasn't done, I would lose credibility in other things I told her to do too. So now, her room may be a mess but when I do tell her something, she knows I mean it.

last amended 6/27/2001